When the Woman Makes More than the Man
Here is another media inquiry, requested during the time that Hilary Clinton was still running for president. The question concerned what to do in a relationship when the woman made more money than the man.
We just may have a First Matey in the White House. In this day and age, is there still a sticking point when the wife is more successful than the husband? We’ve seen Academy Award-winning actresses losing their men after winning the little golden one. How is Bill going to deal with Hill being the big chief? University professors, marriage counselors who are psychologists/psychiatrists/M.D.s — I need good studies or long-term experience to back up statements about the pitfalls of a wife’s super success. Have the times been a-changing? And how to make the marriage work? Also, if you are a woman who is success-driven, what kind of men should you look for?
Well, the primary purpose of the psychology industry is supposed to be to help individuals within a marriage learn how to have a balanced ego. Unfortunately, because of Freud’s biology conclusion this message is lost. And a woman who is more successful than her husband is a perfect example, given the financial pressures on marriage today. Because of the lack of focus on balancing the ego the industry has also not embraced another concept, and that is happiness is not possible if the individuals define themselves by what I call the 2 false Gods, looks and money. If you define yourself based on your looks or level of income, then you will not be able to find happiness within your marriage. What this means with our question above is that you cannot define yourself based on your job, whether a man or a woman. If a woman is using her status with her job to gain power in the relationship then the relationship cannot be balanced.
And if the man is intimidated by his wife’s success then he cannot find balance in the relationship. In fact, this brings up one of the more humorous points with marriages, the situation where the woman does make more money than the man, and the man is intimidated. Are you kidding me!!! I would be doing high-fives all the way to the bank if my wife made more money than me. I just do not understand men who are intimidated by a successful wife. There is not balance in that situation.
Here is the way I answer the situation in the book:
The best way to look at the interaction of the partnership is that both people in the partnership have exactly fifty percent of the say in the decision making process. No one person can tell the other person what the solution to the problem will be. Both perspectives must be taken into consideration. If you are not able to see the perspective of your partner then you cannot understand the other side of the discussion. The right relationship is a fifty-fifty partnership between two people where the outcome of the discussion is what would be best for both people on an equal basis. If you want ten dollars and the best solution for both of you is for you to have nine dollars then you get the nine dollars, and you understand why! The path to happiness leads directly through the road of compromise.
No this does not mean that you do half of the dishes and she does the other half, or you decide where to go to dinner on Tuesday evenings and he gets to decide on Thursday evenings, or that you both must make exactly fifty percent of the income of the household. Even more importantly, this does not mean that if you make eighty percent of the income then your partner must make up the deficit in another manner. Pessimists would argue that if you structure a relationship based on thinking then you take all of the emotion out of the relationship, you get bored. Common sense, though, would tell you the exact opposite.
If you have a relationship based only on love then the only emotion that is growing in your unconscious is the emotion of love. That other emotion, of unhappiness, is not even present. Emotions are never stagnant. They either grow or they shrink. If everyday your relationship involves only love then you only grow the emotion of love. Life is actually a lot of fun. Guess what, you become happy. Granted life is tough because of this and because of that, but is it really that tough? Getting along with your partner is actually one of the best investments in life you can ever make. It is actually free. You can only get there though if you develop a relationship based on the psychological notion that both get to share equally in the thinking and the feelings that go into developing the emotional bond called love.
Tim Kellis, author of \\\"Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage\\\" Renowned Wall Street analyst Tim Kellis takes on what could be considered society’s biggest problem today, divorce. The journey that led to him tackling such a significant issue was both personal and professional. After a successful career that eventually landed him on Wall Street Tim met what he thought was the girl of his dreams, only to see that relationship end with bitterness and anger. The journey included work with a marital therapist, and after he discovered the therapist wasn’t really helping decided to tackle the issue himself.
Ambition and a strong aptitude for math helped lead Kellis to discover how to make relationships work. His math skills led directly to an engineering degree, nine years in the telecommunications industry, an MBA in finance, and finally on to Wall Street, where he became the very first semiconductor analyst to focus on the communications market.
After publishing a 300-page initiation piece entitled Initiating Coverage of the Semiconductor Industry: Riding the Bandwidth Wave, Kellis became a leading semiconductor analyst at one of the biggest firms on Wall Street. The experience he gained as a Wall Street analyst provided an excellent backdrop for becoming an expert on relationships, and resulted in his relationship book entitled “Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage”. Read more from this author- No to gay marriage in Christian churches.
- No to gay marriage in christian churches.
- Protect Marriage, Protect Children, Prohibit Divorce
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One thing to remember is that a moment in time can change. When I met my husband, he made more money than I did. One month after we were married he lost his job. He was unemployed for A YEAR. Things change, times change. My mom said it best - “the money can go, the looks can go, the house can go.. at the end of the day, you damn well better like the guy”. Forget about who makes more because inevitably that will change.
I was married for 25 years. For all of those years, I made much more money than my husband. I fooled myself for many years believing it didn’t matter. However, I began to wear down. When we needed something new, my husband just expected that I would provide it .. .and it had to be “the best.” The best car, with bells and whistles, etc. I eventually felt resentful and used and I was tired. He never “got it.” He didn’t understand why I felt that way. He was a good man, he just wasn’t ambitious… not a fault, just the way he was. After 25 years though, I had to move forward. I’m on my own now and happy. I think it would take a lot of understanding for a couple to make it that way forever.
I think, its easy to say in words but hard to implement in real life and we see rare cases like this… Coming to my case my husband and myself we never had PRIVACY in our relation.. All the time he used to say everything to his parents, sister and brother-in-law… Even when it comes to flushing of toilet when he goes and doesn’t flush and if i say something immediately it goes to his parents and sister..He never wanted me to have individuality…He used to gimme $20 and for that i need to show receipts like what i bought, why i bought, what is its use etc… If i am unable to explain those then i’ll get a call from my in-laws and batting starts from them…Thats my case… not even 1 year of marriage i completed and that my husband is getting ready to separate from me…
I’m four years in my second marriage. This is also the second marriage for my husband as well who supported his daughter and was always the only one that worked in a paying job when married to his first wife. I was a single mom for 19 years who was the sole support to my four children. My children came before my career as travel may have taken me from my children and I didn’t have anyone to care for them during their younger years. Additionally, while money was tight, it was important to me to be a part their life as much as possible.
When I only had one child left at home and he was in high school, I began to focus on a career, which fortunately, advanced very quickly, including salary. After my youngest son left home for college, I married a hard-working man, but in an industry that simply is not high paying. I currently make three times his salary, and like you mention above - he definitely does high fives to the bank as well. Actually, he is so thrilled, that he now refers to his job as a hobby. My frugal nature from all the years as a low-income single mom still guides my shopping habits, but the once frugal husband seems to have turned into the same kind of husband as the Ann Fry comment above.
I’m giving to a fault sometimes with the children and grandchild. And we’ve traveled to places that wouldn’t be possible if weren’t for my current salary. Even my husband’s family approaches me for “payback money” that was loaned years before I knew my husband. While I didn’t care that I made more money and my husband has never complained once about that, all of this makes me wonder if maybe I should not have gotten married again and leaves dark clouds of doubt at times. Wondering what would happen if I lost my job and decided to pursue something less profitable.
Seriously … is this 1959 or 2009 !?!? Who cares who makes more money, as long as sufficient funds are coming in to support a healthy and comfortable environment for both people involved. Any ‘man’ who has his ego damaged because his wife/partner makes more money than him needs to step back and take a serious look at his priorities in life. I would love it if my wife made more money than me … or better yet, enough money so that I didn’t have to work at all. Sign me up for that any day!!!
I know of a woman who decided to marry a guy only because he earned a handsome salary. Few months after marriage, this guy lost his job, and could not entertain his wife enough. Now she had to part with her earnings to run the show.
This was something she could never accept. Slowly her attitude towards him started degrading. She used to doormat him in the house, label him as a “good-for-nothing” guy & insult him openly in front of her friends. He tried his best to rebuild things but it never actually worked. Rather than understanding what was wrong or even approach a marriage counselor, she always had some excuse or complaint to justify why she treated her husband that way.
Between the two, all communication, physical & mental relationships had come to an end. Frustrated the man committed suicide. Next, I heard that the woman married another rich man, and after a few months, that marriage too ended in a divorce. Now she is being treated for severe mental depression.
Since I knew the husband and wife personally, I have now decided that I will never marry a woman who is only interested in my money. MY MOTTOs: MONEY IS FOR PROSTITUTES and LOVE IS FOR SPOUSES !!! LOVE can bring MONEY….but MONEY CANNOT bring LOVE !!!
This thing about women out-earning men — and it’s SO common these days — is it’s very complicated. If the situation is you both make good money, and the woman makes more, and you are comfortable and happy financially — then NO problem. But it usually isn’t like that. It’s usually that the woman is CARRYING the family. In other words, they AREN’T financially comfortable. They can’t buy things they need or want because the man’s income is not enough. This is where things get hairy. Not having the money to take a luxurious vacation because the husband’s income is too small is not a big deal. The husband wanting a new car or a boat, or to go out to dinner all the time…and not bringing in the income to pay for it IS a big deal. All of a sudden…everything the husband does other than work harder to make more money becomes suspect. All of a sudden he can’t veg in front of the TV or hang with his friends. All of a sudden he needs to get AMBITION, or he needs to be smarter about business. And if the wife is making good money — chances are she’s actually BETTER at business and money than he is. Now we have an imbalance that has nothing to do with money, but everything to do with lifestyle, choices, wants, needs.All of a sudden it’s about RESPECT. And ANGER. All of a sudden EVERYTHING needs to be negotiated. EVERYTHING needs to be considered before bought. All of a sudden you have to BUDGET –and if you’ve never talked much about money or budgeted…it can take all the romance out of a marriage in 2 seconds flat.
If we were all psychologically blank about the dynamics between men and women, if we were completely unprogrammed — and MORE important — if HORMONES didn’t exist…money and balance would never be an issue. But that’s not reality. I look forward to more of your solutions to this problem…in today’s job climate — if you can solve this one, I want to know about it! Thank you, Rori Raye